


never say sorry

by annavale23



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Character Study, Episode: s05e03 Corridors, Episode: s05e05 Save The Cat, F/F, Glimmer and Horde Prime are in the background mostly, Minor Swearing, She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018) Season 5 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:08:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24459466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annavale23/pseuds/annavale23
Summary: Adora looks the same. Fierce and fighting, and Catra’s heart seizes the same as well.A racing pulse, dilating pupils, and she doesn’t notice him looking at all...Or: Adora means nothing to Catra. So why does Catra want to protect her?.(Set over s5, eps 3 and 5. Contains some s5 spoilers)
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 186





	never say sorry

**Author's Note:**

> So, I binged the entirety of She-ra over the last week, got quickly obsessed, especially with season five, so here we are. My first fan-fic in this fandom! I've read so much in this last week.
> 
> Some s5 spoilers, obviously, so watch out!

* * *

He knows her better than she likes.

Even before- before. Even before, he somehow figures her out with more ease than anyone else has. Then again, no one else has ever cared long enough to figure it out, and he doesn’t even actually _care_. She’s just frazzled so much everything is leaking out, and she is stranded out in space on his ship, in his army, and can she blame herself for starting to fray more? All the stress of the advance, of that last fight with Hordak and then the casual dismissal of Hordak being dragged off.

And the thought of _Adora-_

He hears her heartbeat. How it accelerates when Adora is on the screen. All blonde hair and determination and nothing much changes, does it? The Horde Adora knows and this space Horde too and it’s all the same to Adora. Another challenge, another bad guy to put away. She waits for Adora to bring out She-ra; for her to whip that stupid sword out and point it right into the throats of the bots to send him a message – _this planet, it’s protected –_ and the sword stays away. In fact, all Adora has is a stick, and Catra will only realise all this later, after Adora has fallen from the screen. Because right now, she’s drinking in that image, so realistic even from all this distance, so while Sparkles is crying and gasping at the destruction, her emotions flashing out like no one’s business, Catra is only looking at Adora.

And fuck, it’s been a while since she’s seen Adora.

The last time, and-

Catra doesn’t like thinking about the last time.

Even if it’s all she thinks about when she closes her eyes.

Which, honestly, isn’t much nowadays.

Adora looks the same. Fierce and fighting, and Catra’s heart seizes the same as well.

A racing pulse, dilating pupils, and she doesn’t notice him looking at all.

Sparkles does not know anything about _manipulation_.

Typical really. She’s the _good guy_ after all, and if manipulation is something the bad guys do, well, of _course_ the good guys can’t do it! Even if this so-called good guy is the only reason Horde Prime is even here. Sparkles spills like an overflowing drink, and honestly it’s a little hilarious. One image and she’s giving in, just like that? How could _Shadow Weaver_ have thought this girl a good second protégée?

Catra conveniently forgets about her own spasming heart over the same one image. How, if it was her in Sparkles’ place, she does not know what she’d do.

Even still. Catra’s a little disappointed in Sparkles. She couldn’t resist for even a second more? Or at least without those _tears,_ because that’s just teaching the bad guy how emotional she is, how easy to push around she is. Then again, the good guys probably wouldn’t have even _thought_ about risking it, just to end up in a stronger position. Sparkles sees Adora, and sees the danger, and gives in.

It’s probably why she’s Adora’s new best friend.

She’s not _cold_ , or a bitch.

Like Catra is.

She compliments Prime, of course.

This is how she’s stayed on top these last few years. Act as one of them.

 _Confidence_ , and it is the key.

The key to staying afloat in all this.

Prime is not the same as the others. His eyes blink at her, and she ignores how they make her spine crawl. Because no person should look like this, and gone are the days that Hordak’s red-surrounded-by-black eyes are the most terrifying thing she’s ever seen. Because _anger_ , she knows how to react to. This _calmness,_ the un-fluttering pleasantries?

Catra’s out of her depth.

Not that she’d admit it.

His next words make it clear just how out of her depth she truly is.

He comments on her heart and on her eyes, and on _Adora._

 _Adora means something to you_.

And oh _fuck_ she denies it.

She denies it like she’s gotten used to. Snapping at her reflection in the mirror every time her mind drifts to Adora – the traitor, the not-best-friend – and she’s been practised in the last year, ever since that portal. Her hackles flare and her words lash like her old whip, and she _denies_. His eyes twitch, amused, and he does not buy her.

Not one fucking bit.

_Adora means nothing to me_.

She tells herself that, over and over.

 _Adora means nothing to me_.

Even if she’s a little grateful that Sparkles got Prime to spare Adora, for now at least.

Adora still means nothing.

The problem is, Catra can not keep away from Sparkles.

She watched her before the Adora-on-the-screen, from the shadows where she’s used to dwelling, and now she’s abandoned most attempts of sneaking around.

Even if sometimes, she watches for a bit before coming up with her opening line.

Not like she’s _trying_ or anything. She doesn’t give a shit about Sparkles and what Sparkles might think of her. She doesn’t give a shit about what _anyone_ thinks of her, as long as she’s surviving.

But the pretence. There’s less incentive to do it now. Sparkles somehow knows when someone’s watching her and calls out, so that takes out most of the fun of this whole thing. And anyway… it’s a lot of effort when she’s losing her will.

Everything here is the same.

Clones.

Prime.

Endless corridors she’s slowly mapping out in her head.

And if she’s marked some walls with her claws, well-

Prime should have given her a map if he wanted his walls intact.

Messing with Sparkles, it’s just… it’s better to skip the whole sneaking routine. So she’s got more energy to torment her face to face, Catra tells herself, ignoring the haze of a lie around the words, because if she never confronts it as truth, then it’s not. It’s just easier to jump straight in, and anyway, it means more time before she has to scarper off, not wanting the clones to tell Prime she’s disobeying.

And-

It looks like Sparkles looks forward to seeing her. For the usual bickering, of course, not because Sparkles _likes_ her or anything, but for that familiarity. Something normal and reliable in this world that’s changed so much for them.

Catra will never admit this, but-

She sort of looks forward to it too.

Because she’s not had much familiarity after opening the portal.

It’s just been Hordak and the guilt, keeping her awake at all hours, purple twintails haunting her mind and snapping and yelling and _work_ , and Scorpia too-

So this.

It’s- even in space, far from home, it’s nice to see that some things always stay the same.

Even if things aren’t _quite_ the same anymore.

After all, Catra would never willingly ask about Sparkles’ perfect day before.

And she’d never willingly talk about her and Adora’s sleepovers either.

It’s the closest to reflecting on the past that Catra’s done in years.

She doesn’t think she likes how it makes her feel.

It makes her _conflicted._

And to survive, she can’t be that.

Even if really, the confliction started the moment she saw Adora on that stupid screen.

She can’t shake the feeling.

She talked to Hordak.

She called him _Hordak_.

And now he’s screaming in a pool of green goop and electricity, chanting all around and _Prime_ and-

This is all her fault.

 _This is all her fault_.

Not that she should care about Hordak. He was trying to kill her the last time they talked. _Properly_ trying to kill her, to the point that one wrong move would have burnt her to death. And he’s a bastard anyway.

So she doesn’t care about Hordak.

But he was the only one other than _Sparkles-_

And she told him his _name_ and-

In her Horde, it’d be fine to have a secret.

Especially just a small secret like a _name._

The same, it seems, does not hold true here.

Things are different here. Clones and creepiness and stalking and no secrets and Catra does not think she was prepared enough.

She could still have a place here, she’s certain. She gives Prime the information from Sparkles – and fuck, Sparkles is _still_ just so easy to wring information from, and how is Sparkles a _queen –_ and he is pleased with her. But it is different to her Horde, where she’d get that buzz, the _you’ve done well_ , because here. Here it is different. Prime _expects_ this. He has no doubts, because who would let him down? She bets he doesn’t even think it could happen. He is lord over everything and, as they all keep saying, _Prime sees all_.

It is not the same here.

She thinks about the screams from Hordak.

She thinks of that screen, of Adora fighting, of never giving up, of still being the same even as Catra’s strayed further and further from their past and-

She thinks of Sparkles, crying in a cell, knowing she’s sentenced Adora to death, Adora who’s currently hurtling here in a fancy ship that Prime can not track, that if it was to turn away, Prime would never be able to get his hands on Adora. That the only reason Adora is coming here, straight into the maw of the devil, is down to _Sparkles_ , because Adora’s just like that. She’d fly into certain danger, dooming her whole home, just to rescue a friend.

Adora’s _good_ like that.

Giving up dinner because Catra’s not eating, following her even when she’s scratched Adora’s face. Changing allegiances because of suffering, and flying straight here on a fruitless mission just because a friend needs her.

A friend, keep in mind, who set this all in motion.

Sparkles tried to use the Heart, almost killed a whole planet-

And Adora’s still coming.

There’s a pang in Catra’s chest, and she does not dwell on what it means.

Her eyes gaze out of her reflection at her.

She does not fit here. She is wild and red and snarling, and everyone else is white and green and perfect, and she has fought her way to the top only to see that the top does not care about here either. She does not fit anywhere, and Adora does.

With her friends.

Not here.

It is surprisingly simple.

She’s made herself a virtual map of this place.

She knows how to do it.

She knows how to _act_ , how to break rules against threats because well-

She’s been doing it her whole life. As a kid against Shadow Weaver. Older, against Hordak.

She knows she can do this, and so she acts.

Knocking out Hordak fills her with something she’s not felt this entire time on this ship. The fierceness of a fight-until-you-survive life, and she’s missed it. And Sparkles’ hand is soft in hers and Catra does not think about how Adora has held this hand, how Adora certainly will hold this hand again. She just concentrates on her map, on her handy claw marks left as markers, and then on the fighting too because fucking hell, she _has_ missed this. Fighting, her blood rushing through her skin, and she can not think of it long, because there are other things to do.

_I’ll never say sorry to anyone._

_Adora, I’m sorry. For everything._

She feels _something_ in her chest even as the clones drag her off to Prime.

They are harsh with her limbs. Harsher than they need be.

They _hurt_ her.

The teleport thing is empty, and if she knows Adora, Sparkles would have been caught. Safe in Adora’s and Arrow Boy’s arms, and for a moment, Catra is almost jealous. They’ll be hurtling away now, safe from Prime and heading home, and she’ll be here.

She’ll be dead, probably.

It’s what Hordak was going to do when she lost Shadow Weaver.

It’s what Hordak was trying to do when he found out the truth about Entrapta.

It’s the least she deserves.

At least she’s done one good thing.

For Adora, of course.

Because, after it all, Adora _does_ mean something to her after all.

She laughs until she can’t.

Even when she’s scared, kneeling in front of the being who keeps calling her _Little Sister,_ and it’s so patronising. A title of supposed honour and she knows exactly what it’s meant to do. _You’re under my thumb_ , it says, _under my discretion_ and she’s taken that all and stamped on it.

Even when he’s looming over her, and she’s tossing her head back, throwing his words in his face, and there’s a smugness on her face, because really, what did he expect? He said he’d reviewed Hordak’s memories: didn’t he realise? Catra is only ever out for herself. She acts for what _she_ wants, not for what her leaders want, and right now, she’d wanted Adora safe.

And now he’ll never get her.

She laughs when they drag her off after his sinister words.

_I’ve still got use for you yet._

She _is_ scared, but the laughter seems to unnerve the clones, so she does it anyway.

Even when they cut her hair.

Even when she suffers.

She laughs until she physically can’t.

Until all she sees is light, and until the name _Adora_ truly means nothing to her.

There are tears on her face and she does not know why.

She touches the wet tracks, confused for a moment, and then He touches her shoulder, clearing her of doubt. She smiles, serene, and finally the words in her head cause her nothing at all. She is, as he said, _pure._ Free, and freedom will be given to those who ask for it, and she has it now. All these names and memories and pain, and it is all a distant backdrop against what she can do for him.

 _Child, we have use of you yet_.

And she is happy.

She does not sleep and she does not eat and she does wait.

And eventually, her waiting comes to an end.

_Adora?_

Burst from her lips, and the control snaps in.

The glorious light of Prime, and she has never felt so good.

Confident in her body and her mind is mostly still, and He’s set her free. She owes Him so much for this, for purifying her and freeing her from whatever her chest twinges at when she sees that blonde hair. Those feelings of before, that would have rushed to the surface at the sight of that face – she is free from it all. It is all empty now, without personal feelings, and she can just _stop._ Stop feeling, because that has been her problem all along. She has felt, and she has made terrible choices, and then she found her way to Him, her saviour.

He has saved her.

_Adora._

_Why is… why is she here?_

A clawed hand on the back of her neck and she flinches, just for a second, and something shifts inside of her, and in the next moment, she is filled once more with the calming influence of Him. Bright blue eyes widen in such horror, and the green slides in to let her smile brilliantly in return. Words fall from her lips, truer than she’s spoken in a long time. _You broke my heart,_ she says and it carries none of the pain it usually does. Her heart doesn’t hurt over the words; the anger stays gone, and instead she feels peaceful when he concludes, _but Prime has made it whole_.

Because finally, she is free from her afflictions.

He commands her and there is relief in that.

To be commanded and have no doubt in obeying, for she knows in her indifference than the last years have been hard on her. Clawing desperately for control, running to the top of a crumbling mountain and always slipping at the final hurdle, always _losing_ , and He will keep her on top. He is stability and peace and control, and His orders will always see fruition. She is finally on the winning side, and she needs do nothing but _obey._

And what a relief that is.

So He gives her a task, and she will do it gladly.

For this body of hers, it likes to _fight_.

It loves the fight. The thrill, the adrenaline through her heart, the laugh at the edges of her vision.

And this one who disobeys her Lord, this _Adora_ who tore her to shreds before the calming light of Prime-

She will be glad to fight.

So she does. She pushes this body to its limits, finding it has pushed many a time and never gotten over the edge, and she twists her shoulder and almost dislocates it, and she flexes her claws and digs them in and scrapes across leg, and she stands on the edge and laughs, and He fills her mind and pushes her small essence down further and it’s a burning green in her head, and she thinks she’s felt this sort of pain before, when He pulled her from her destitution, a green fire and electrocution, and _secrets are not a thing here_ , and _fuck_ it hurts-

“You have to _fight_ it, Catra!”

“Why would I fight? I am happy.”

Not a lie for once.

Probably.

Mostly?

It breaks, for a moment.

The pain comes rushing back in. Green and it’s behind her eyes, but when she opens them, all she sees is blue.

She is, actually, happy.

For a brief moment before it is stolen by green, and there is a soft hand on her cheek and she _does_ matter, she matters enough to be _saved-_

And all that before.

How could she be happy in the green?

“You promise?”

And all she wants-

All she’s _ever_ wanted-

Is Adora to keep her promises. To scoop Catra up and take her from this place, from this light and these voices in her head, from the pain and everything else, and she just wants Adora to keep _this_ promise. Tears in those blue eyes and that hurts, seeing _that_ after their last interaction, a glaring She-ra after Catra had opened the portal, and Catra’s whole body is shaking, her limbs weak and her muscles screaming, and her head hurts and her necks burns and her heart pulses painfully against her ribs, aching from a whole different reason and-

She doesn’t remember much after that.

Just a promise.

And then _pain_.

A lot of pain.

How many times can she be electrified in her life, she wonders?

She’s falling.

_Falling._

Will she ever stop?

And then-

“Hey, Adora.”

* * *


End file.
